saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
