I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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