hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
