life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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