My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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