I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
