ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
