why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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