I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
