if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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