he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
