I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize