just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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