cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You left your phone here
Wait...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
