I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
