I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
