you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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