She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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