I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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