shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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