Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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