god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
