Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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