I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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