i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
