I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
