Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
