found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
