Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
