I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
