drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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