she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
