Cold hands, warm shart.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
