Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
