what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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