I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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