i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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