By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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