you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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