What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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