and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
