Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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