I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
