Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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