someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
