How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
