I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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