My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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