If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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