i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
