Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
