I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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