just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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