I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize