Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
