someone get that fucking seahorse.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
