I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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