This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
