if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
