and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Let's get the cat blown out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
