He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
