yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
