So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
