I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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