the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
