we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize