Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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