We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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