I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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