Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
